Hiking Naked Through Global Warming

naked-hood-old-highway1-8-22-16My first truck had the words “Hike Naked” on the back of it. Told you.

I didn’t buy it like that, I got a really annoying professional artist to apply the decals. Okay, we dated, but the decals ended up lasting a lot longer than he did, in so many ways. Hiking naked was more a philosophy than a practice although one hot summer in Colorado I did try descending a 14,000 foot mountain without a shirt or bra. The bruises on my chin have just about healed.

download-1The idea was to leave the restrictive mental trappings of modern society behind and open my psyche up to the wild, being completely in the moment, going primal. The deeper I explored the backcountry, the sweeter everything got. The wind didn’t let me go to voicemail, bears weren’t passive-aggressive, the sun wasn’t a scorching narcissist. Well…I just learned to put sunscreen on everything.

scrotum-frog

 

German backpackers notwithstanding, I don’t actually recommend hitting the trails sans apparel. First of all, chafing. Secondly, unless you’ve got rock hard confidence and a butt cuter than kittens, nobody wants to see that. Thirdly, insect repellent can sting, think about that one. Besides, it always baffles me how people at nude beaches are never who you’d actually want to see in the all-together, anyway. It’s usually some grumpy mid-lifer whose silhouette looks like he’s smuggling aquatic scrotum frogs in a fanny pack, and his wife, Miss Melting Wax Mississippi 1952.
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So, imagine my surprise when I discovered Mt. Hood had joined the naturists. I came around a corner in the forest, looked up, and there he was in all his…um…glory. Dude had next to nothing on. I don’t think it was by choice, global warming pretty much forced the entire Cascade Range to flash its basalt. Once the snow melts, the only thing defending a volcano’s modesty is nighttime and cumulus clouds.

How dry I am.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

r82713oilThe shock of mountains showing me their peaks first hit back in 2002. That was the summer the governor declared “all of Colorado is burning” because it was. So many forest fires were raging at once over such a large area that the state looked like a psoriasis victim from space. The heavy aroma of sweet, sweet wood smoke infiltrated all but the most hermetically sealed buildings in Denver and I was sucking it all in happily in deep breaths. The asthma population, not so much. Emergency health reports on the evening news were advising them to hole up in their bedrooms and jam wet blankets under their doors like teen-aged stoners.

Those were heady days of peak bagging 14ers. Global warming hadn’t extended the Rocky Mountain climbing season yet, so everyone had to time their vertical gif-polar-bear-favim-com-4024289excursions to catch the short, snowless window between July and September when hikers only posthole through the drifts up to their crotches a little. No one complained about traversing snow fields back then because what was slick and dangerous going up was fun as hell sliding down. On glissade, baby! Now, there’s barely enough slush up there to get your socks wet.

I was okay with heavy snow. Seductive peeks at granite here and there were enough for me, I didn’t need to see everything. I mean, sure, Mother Nature is one hot chick, but no mountain should have to parade around with its quartz hanging out. A little mystery is bear-nakedgood. Same with naked hiking: Keep it between you and your thighs. (See what I did there?)

I finally had enough and emigrated to the Pacific Northwest in 2005 to fondle moss and escape summer water restrictions. Portland gets 42 inches of moisture a year to Denver’s piddly 16. You’d think that’d be enough for mountain ranges to cover up but locals who’ve built their cabins around Mt. Hood have been muttering among themselves lately and exchanging nervous eye twitches. Portland may be rainy but it’s the snow on that volcano that trickles down to fill our reservoir. If it ain’t a white Christmas, it becomes a long, hot summer of parched lawns and navy showers.

Now, I’m not going to launch into some all-natural, gluten-free environmental rant about water conservation (except to say that California needs to cut it the fuck out with the golf 7010042861_886989249b_bcourses; seriously, people) but I will say that when you’re suddenly staring down the plumber’s crack of a normally snowclad mountain, a peak famous for being so wrapped with the frozen stuff that its ski resort used to be operational 365 days a year since its inception, things are dire, and maybe you should just sell those golf clubs, Biff.

Meanwhile, I’m gonna keep my shirt on and try to stop complaining about the Oregon mud all the time. A little mud cuts down on chafing.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

*Above shot is a massive panorama of Mt. Hood’s nekkiditity so zoom in, perverts.

August 22, 2016